Ooops...

It's been a while since I posted. Don't worry, I'm still crazy over adoption and haven't given up in the least! :) I was pleasantly surprised to find a 'new' follower on my blog and that something I posted might have been help to someone out there in the world. Adoption resources and grants. Wow... all that research might not be for me at this time. Maybe part of my plight to help orphans in the world is helping more than just the one I seek to make a part of my family.

I had a tiny episode last week that landed me in the hospital overnight. Vertigo can be a wicked thing! Talk about dizzy! Oh well, all is well now and I have to share the funny of my trip to the ER. Vertigo made me EXTREMELY dizzy and with other related symptoms my hubby was afraid I was having a stroke. So he toted me in to see the doctors who diagnosed me with simply vertigo, gave me some fun little drugs in my IV and let me sleep at the not-so-Hilton hospitality room 125. After getting my little dose of Valum I started talking to my hubby sitting at my side. About how we needed more babies and children in our family. Telling him I knew he didn't like to talk about it but it weighs so heavy on my heart. I remember him actually smirking and laughing somewhat and telling me they ordered truth serum rather than valum. lol :) He probably heard more than he wanted that night. I honestly can't remember it all. I do remember telling him that I knew he didn't like talking about it but it means so much to me. I told him I ask God to take it away. He thought I meant the headaches and dizziness because he said, "Me too, I ask Him the same thing." And I remember explaining to him, it wasn't that which I was asking God to take from me. I told him I ask God if He didn't want me to have more children in our home and our family, if he didn't intend for me to adopt to please take the thoughts from my heart and my mind so they don't haunt me constantly. And guess what? He didn't take them away, they are still there, stronger everyday. Yearning, searching, hoping.

I also remember, that was the end of that discussion. ;) lol

A few days later I'm feeling overwhelmed and having a bad day. I feel so lost and upset and begin to tell myself maybe I'm being selfish. Maybe my thoughts of wanting a child to adopt are purely self serving and I have been praying for something for myself and not for really the right reasons. For a split second (in a frenzy of tears) I give up. I let go. I resign myself to the fact that there are no more children in my future, that my dreams of helping orphans and making a permanent home for another child or children is gone.

Then I read a post. How I was lead to that post I don't remember..... how it came to the top of the scrolling screen is a mystery. But there it was. Here it is. And my mind and my faith are restored. Then I find a new follower, I'm helping others to help these children of God too. I encourage you to read the post. Maybe it will change your mind about adoption as well. Maybe it will lead you and your spouse, your family to become a forever family for one of God's orphans.

In the mean time, I'm waiting. Waiting on His will and His timing. Eagerly serving Him.

Scared

All I can say is..... READ IT!

Touched

I've wondered so many times through the week just how God might be calling me, what he's calling me to. As much as I try to redirect my attention, focus on other things in my life, adoption and children in the world around me keep stealing my thoughts. Reading, studying, watching, wanting...

As much as I try to divert myself to see if this is just a passing fancy or some 'dream' from my self-diagnosed post traumatic stress disorder...I just can't seem to shake it. Church last week seemed to reaffirm what I felt I already knew. I was so touched by a sermon, so moved by a hymn, I lost control. I couldn't stop the tears that flowed. As much as I tried (for fear of embarassment partly....I'm a 'strong' person, I don't show emotion if I can help it), I just couldn't make them stop. I cried like a baby. I felt God touching my heart, tugging at it in a way. Our sermon was on dreams. Not necessarily our dreams, but the dreams God has for us and what He is calling us to and how we need to listen and follow. Listen closely, follow without doubt. People will ridicule, smirk, try to cause you to doubt, or even doubt you themselves. Yet, we are called to follow. If He brings you to it, He will see you through it. Dream bigger than ourselves, let go and let God. Where He leads me I will follow... (you know the song). Even if the path seems like one we wouldn't take, or it is filled with hardship and pain or more work and disappointment than we think we can bear it's a road that He has chosen to bring us to the other side. The story was of Joseph's dream in Genesis 37:1-11. God was leading him to great things. Even though the road was long and he suffered, in the end he was made ruler of Egypt.

All these things seems to symbolize the thoughts I've had over the last month or two, especially the last few weeks. Having a dream, having others scoff, or some tell me I've 'lost it'. lol (which doesn't bother me in the least) ;o) Some telling me how wonderful and joyous to feel that calling, or just how rewarding it has been for their family. The thoughts of how long the journey will be, the waiting, the disappointment, lost hope, prayer, and a happy ending of a bigger family.

I don't know the steps that lie ahead, or the obstacles I may encounter, or even when I can expect answers to prayers. All I know is a feeling that has touched my heart in a way that can't be explained, and each day I wait, I work, I go where He leads me. Maybe it's more than my dream, maybe it's His dream for me. (The part I find really 'odd', funny in a sense.... being drawn to a country and a people I never expected. A place I've never been, nor seen, nor even dreamed about... but it keeps drawing my attention.)

I'm anxious to see what tomorrow brings.

"Behold, children are a gift of the Lord...

How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them"

Psalm 127:3, 5

♥ Praying ♥

Still praying....

The Bible tells us to pray without ceasing. So, among my many other prayer requests for friends, family, total strangers in need--I pray for adoption. I can't pray and beg for God to make my husband want to adopt children, that would never work. I know my husband's heart, his capacity to love like I've never seen (even if he doesn't want others to see it and take notice). He does the 'little things' when no one is watching. ;o) You know what I mean.

I pray that if God has a child (or children) for us to adopt, if it's His will, part of his grand plan that He will touch my husband's heart as He has touched mine and He will teach me the art of waiting patiently for it to happen. (Did anyone ever tell you never to pray for patience....)

And last night, I saw a glimpse of that touch. A glimmer of hope. My husband willingly watches a youtube video with me. Lucy's Gotcha Day video. A blogger friend posts her beautiful video of the day she picked up her beautiful daughter from Ethiopia.

Almost two hours later he asks me if I've heard Steven Curtis Chapman. I instantly start searching the web and find out he's all about adoption (they have adopted three daughters from China), caring for orphans and being called to love like Christ all these little children of the world. Holy Cow! He's been thinking! My husband listens to Steven Chapman on his way to and from work everyday (he has a two hour round trip commute!). My husband explains to me the story of the Chapman's losing their daughter to an accident and how heartbreaking it would be. The wait and anticipation of bringing home that child and then only a short time later losing her. How profound for someone who I thought wasn't even considering what was tearing at my heartstrings with every breath I take.

As I'm still watching videos and listening to his music (and becoming a FAN!)
So I find "What Now?" "Ummm....honey, will you watch this one? Just one more video and I promise I'll leave you alone." He doesn't know it, but I think I saw a tear. I simply said, "I hope you can understand just a little, my need and want to help millions of children." His response, "How can you help them all? It's impossible." I explained...."It's not about helping all of them. If there were enough people in the world who felt the same calling, how many of those children would become one less?

He hasn't said yes yet....but I think we're a lot closer to "yes, let's do it" than the no side of the spectrum. ;o)

Still praying....

• Easy? •

Does it ever get any easier? This thing they call waiting? Everyday that passes I think of Smerelda and her family, the other children we visited. Wondering what they are doing with their days. How they are playing and preparing for school. School in Haiti doesn't get a summer break like our schools. They don't spend months without studying and go on vacations. They anxiously await the next time they can attend school to learn. Until I can understand this whole adoption thing that has been placed in my heart, I strive to do as much as I can for the other kids I've met and seen. For Smerelda, my sponsored child and her family. I've begun making a stash of items for her and her brother and mother. Clothes, hair bobbles, soap and other personal hygiene items, books, I even found an African American barbie at the store in town. It was the only one. Karma? I think so.

I keep reading and researching adoption. Getting packets in the mail now, application information, check lists of things to do and consider. I'm reading books like crazy till my eye has developed a nervous twitch! ;o) Time for new reading glasses I think. E-mail updates on waiting children (which includes a set of twins that is just killing me!) lol I hope someone becomes their forever family soon. They are so beautiful and adorable. I'd like to think we would be that family, but it doesn't seem like much of a possibility anytime soon. Does this thing get any easier? Waiting.... Hoping.... Praying.... I've even started reading blogs on families that have felt the same urge to help and call for the children of Ethiopia. Three sisters each adopted a child from there. Their stories are amazing, heartwarming and inspiring. The conditions there are much the same as Haiti but I don't know that Africa is something I would want to do. Traveling that far, hmmm... I know Haiti is close enough to visit on a regular basis. Africa, now that's a whole 'nother story. I want to be able to keep the children involved in their culture and their history. Could that be done with Africa?

Sounds like I'm putting the cart ahead of the horse huh? So, I keep waiting... waiting for:

• God's plan to become clear to me.
• God's will for our lives, if this is something that He wants for us I'm waiting for Him to touch my husband's heart as deeply as He has mine.
• God's timing.
• Answers to Prayers
• the time I can return to Haiti to see those faces and loved ones I miss.

You see, at times I have felt so selfish for things that I pray for. When I know there are so many that need so much. I've encountered many people just in the last week, weather in person or on the internet that need healing for cancer, strength and hope after the loss of a child, healing and comfort for families of children that are undergoing brain surgeries and trying to overcome something that could possibly be fatal for a child, the suicide of a spouse. How could I dare ask for anything when there are so many others that need God's attention before me? During my bible study today that question was answered for me.

I know I am a child of God, I am important to Him. No matter what our cares, our burdens, our troubles or desires, He wants us to bring them to Him. The 142 Psalm reassures me that I can bring my prayers to the Lord no matter who I may think needs Him more than me today. He reminds me just as a parent reassures their child, no one is more important to me than you. He loves all his children the same, just as I do mine. They each have their own cares and concerns and can bring them to me. I bring this thing called adoption to my Lord. He knows my desires, He also knows if this is right for me and I have to wait for His answer.

I cry aloud to the Lord, I lift up my voice to the Lord for mercy. I pour out my complaint before him; before him I tell my trouble.

--Psalm 142:1-2

♥ Peace ♥

Today I discovered a peace. It really was a welcome emotion. I've been on such a roller coaster since we returned home. Happy, sad, eager, anxious, feeling the need to accomplish so much that I just find myself at a stand still. As I'm wandering around the house tonight fixing dinner and planning swimming lessons for my youngest son I realize I have peace. Peace in my mind, in my heart. For once in two weeks, it has come. And at first I wonder where it came from, then I remind myself where all things come from. My Lord has provided the peace I needed, I craved, I deserved, I prayed for.

This is Chris & Leslie's daughter that we met while in Haiti. Isn't she beautiful? This picture just made me think of someone looking to the heaven's to praise God and thanking Him. This is how I feel today.

Praying is a funny thing for me. I have to remind myself to stop what I'm doing and pray. I have long drawn out conversations with God throughout my entire day. So much so that it's like one long, constant prayer. You know those people you see walking around with headsets on, talking on their phone via bluetooth (yes I have one, it lives on my left ear most days)..... I have God in my heart, not with a bluetooth I guess you might call it a bloodred. (Now I know I'm tired.... lol) ;o) I talk to God when I get up, praising him for yet another day he's provided that I'm alive and well, that my children are with me, that my husband is by my side, and that the sun is shining. I say grace and bless my food before I eat it. Yes, every meal, weather it be holding the hands of my family, or just bowing my head over my big mac. All things come from Him. When I lay down at night I go through the same ritual as when I wake. Yet, during the rest of my day I talk to God throughout everything. So sometimes He takes me by surprise and it's an awesome feeling.

I've been missing Haiti so. The people, the country, the children and families left behind. And I still miss them just as much tonight as I did this morning, but God has given me peace. I am right where I'm supposed to be, and my way of helping comes in different forms. My yearning to adopt, is still just as great but the peace came today when I realized that when I prayed for everything to be done in His time, as it's His will.....it came to me today. I came to terms with the fact (which I already knew) that I cannot bring a child home next week, or the week after that, or the month after that. It's not a simple process. I can continue to fill out applications to see if there are agencies willing to take on our circumstance of three children in the home. The likelihood of that happening is slim to none. The next one will be like the last encouraging me to wait until I only have two children in the home. So, that gives me a year to plan. Yep, that's my goal. I can set a timeline and save myself some money in the long run by doing my research, studying exactly what is required and needed of me, of my family and take it one day at a time. After all, writing a letter to the president of Haiti to include in our dossier to encourage him to give us an exception....well, not exactly something you should come up with overnight. It's not a form letter.

And, after my surfing yesterday, I was sidetracked. Sidetracked by Jamaica. Of all things. I rationalize in my mind that Jamaica is still a Carribean island. That if I'm not going to be allowed to adopt from Haiti, what would be the next best thing? Haitians are African descendants, I don't want to travel to Africa or Ethiopia. Nope, Jamaica is right next door. And amazingly enough, you don't have to completely finalize your adoption to bring your child home. Your given guardianship and complete your adoption in the states. And you can do it all within a 6 month time frame (max!). Can you believe it? Something that takes 2-3 years in Haiti can be done in 6 months or less in Jamaica. Wow....

Then it hits me. After reading the history of Jamaica and the reasons for adoption. I don't want just any child. I want a child from Haiti. The country that stole my heart. Jamaica is a tourist haven. They aren't financially broken and torn down, starving, sufferring. The one agency I found that actually sponsored Jamaican adoption specifically listed that children available for adoption are from broken homes. Taken into the system due to abuse or neglect. Hmmm.... just like home. Don't get me wrong. There are millions of children everywhere that need forever families. Our country included. But I know our families that care for these children have warm beds, food in their tummies, a regular schedule that includes school and a brighter future for the kids. The children in Haiti are looking for forever families because they have lost theirs. They have seen their parents die, or are unable to feed them. School isn't mandatory, it's a luxury. I just saw two boys who were recently placed at an orphanage because their father had a car accident (probably driving a tap tap, working to feed his family), and broke his legs. He was unable to work, which means, he's unable to feed his children and gave them up for adoption.

Can you imagine getting hurt and your only option is to place your child with someone else, forever. To love your child so much that you are willing to bear the pain of living without them just to ensure they are fed and cared for and given a brighter future than the one you can provide them.

That's the child I want to adopt. The one I want to love and make a part of my family, and still be able to teach him (or her) about who they are, and where they came from. And how their mother and father loved them so much they were willing to let me care for them and be their family. To be able to show them where they came from someday, to give them a chance to go to school. To love them unconditionally and forever.

I don't want a quick fix. I don't want instant gratification anymore. I want the next year to plan and prepare for the journey ahead. A journey that may take me twice as long as others ahead of me, but that's God's timing. Who knows, maybe since I've figured out His timing He'll cut me some slack and convert the Haitian government! ;o) Hey, a girl can dream can't she?

So, tonight when I lay my head down to sleep, one of my thanks will be given for finding peace and understanding with His timing. I'm still in love with Haiti. I still miss the people and the children. But tonight I have ♥ peace ♥ Thank you Lord.

• No •

One down.... how many more to go? I received the preliminary application back from Bethany Christian today and it was a no at this time because I have three children in my home. It's advised when my oldest leaves the home to make another request application.

This didn't surprise me, and surprisingly didn't upset me. There are dozens more agencies to contact. Hundreds actually. How many times did Lincoln run for office? ;o) It ain't over yet baby! It just gives me more time to see which way my hubby is leaning toward. So many will think I've lost my marbles. Others will find it exciting.

It's been a pretty awesome day anyway, so it would have taken a lot to bring me down. Other than still having major computer issues (I'll be glad when work actually WORKS again) I found some great books I was looking for when I picked my son up from the library and then got to enjoy dinner at Diane's house with all the kids. It's weird to seem so happy just to spend extra time with her kids (and mine). It's not like I don't see them on a regular basis, it's just that I see them with different eyes. I've always loved them, now I appreciate them. I long to see them and play. (and cuddle!) ;o)

So, I'll keep looking for other applications and other agencies that are willing to start a preliminary application with three children. There's always an exception to the rules ;o) And sometimes, I'm usually the exception! lol Tomorrow is a new day, a new day of wonders, a new day of blessings, a new day to pray about this thing they call adoption.

One day at a time, finding the joys and the blessings of now....

Cell phone photos. ;o) Yeah!

• Just Another Day •

Just another day has gone by. One that I thank God for. He has provided such rich blessings. Green grass I played in today while working and taking photos of someone's little girl, green full lush trees that gave us shade, a nice breeze... lunch with a friend that was enough to make me full for two days with fresh veggies and cold cuts. Soda with ice (which I knocked over and spilled and didn't seem to upset me as much as it would have before). The chance to watch my son hop on the school bus and ride it to summer school, my daughter off on another school trip with friends with swimming, golfing and bowling to look forward to. Wow. Such little things we enjoy for 'extra' curricular activities that other children don't even know exist. My oldest son lounging at home, playing in the yard with the dog, chasing the chickens and watching movies and playing video games in the a/c. :o) It's been a beautiful day. I used to think sometimes we waisted days because we didn't accomplish anything in them. Now I know a day is never waisted if I can see the beauty I'm surrounded with and appreciate the blessings that are so abundant in my life.

Yet, there's always that thought in the back of my mind. As much as I've smiled today and been so grateful and shared stories with yet another person of how much Haiti needs us I still think to myself I wonder if there is a child somewhere that is waiting for me. He or she may not know it yet. I don't know it yet, but my heart still aches and thinks of all the children and people of Haiti who need me. Who need us. All of us. Knowing I serve a great and wonderful God that is the creator of all things, I know He created the people of Haiti and loves them as much as he loves you and I. They are near and dear to His heart. I just wish others could see them with the same eyes that He and I do. ;o)

"My brothers and sisters, if people say they have faith, but do nothing, their faith is worth nothing. Can faith like that save them? A brother or sister in Christ might need clothes or food. If you say to that person, 'God be with you! I hope you stay warm and get plenty to eat,' but you do not give what that person needs, your words are worth nothing. In the same way, faith that is alone--that does nothing--is dead.

--James 2:14-17

And, well.... Holy smack. I see all faces differently now. My paper boy just delivered my newspaper and I have a new paper boy. And he's a handsome young man! A handsome young, african american boy that I tried not to gawk too much as I look at his beautiful skin and giant brown eyes, and his tight curly hair as he makes me smile and makes my heart skip a beat. He's a welcome site. I miss my Haitian friends and family. How do you explain to the paper boy your sudden urge to give him a giant hug and ask about his day! lol I digress..... ;o) Sounds funny, to talk of the new paper boy but one must understand something, the number of african american families in my small mid-western town is slim to none. But they are a welcome site to me. I wish there were more. My sister Diane's children enjoyed playing with the 'other brown people' they saw this week on vacation. They need playmates, cousins of a sort.... Kristi would thrive with someone else 'like her' around besides her brother. Someone to be like and know she is beautiful and special. Someday.... in His time.

It reminds me of the sound of my teenage daughter at the age of 3 or 4 when she peeped her head over the back of a booth in taco bell and exclaimed "Look at the brown boy momma! He's pretty! I like brown boys!" I guess it's always been in her heart too. She now, at only the age of 16, feels my need to 'save the world'. I love my children. I'm a proud momma.

[HOLY wow!]

Yes, it was a HOLY wow moment.

After making that dreaded phone call to have someone tell me what I suspected to hear my day kinda' stood still for a few hours. Then I decided to call Bethany Christian Services and get word from another horse's mouth. lol The girls at Bethany were more than helpful also, and maybe a bit more encouraging. Suggesting I go ahead and complete an online pre-approval application and in the comments section explain my situation about the kids and their ages and just go from there. All they can do is tell me no right? And I'm no worse off than I am now. It's FREE....

I talked to my hubby on the phone for something else and somehow adoption came up in the conversation yet again. He never shoots me down in my reasoning, and always allows me to share my reasoning with him with an accepting tone in his voice (which is not what I expect for this topic). I think he would like to adopt at some point but just wants to make sure that we will financially be able to do so, and give another child all the perks and extras that we've given our biological children. Noble... yes. I love him. So this conversation has encouraged me to go ahead and fill out the online application.

It was easy enough, except for the part about what sex I wanted. I've wanted a girl.... I have a girl set in my heart and my mind. I've justified it in so many ways, but I can't bear to click one or the other. Maybe that's not for me to decide. Hmmmm.... maybe God does have a different plan. So I choose both, but with a preference for female. (But on a whim I question my 5 yr old, if we get to bring home a new kid for our family what do you want, a little brother or sister? "A brother!" And, I was worried he'd feel threatened by a same sex child. Who needs sisters? He wants a brother to play with and share toys with! Yes, the story gets freakier as it goes along!) Then, am I willing to accept siblings? Well, how could you separate siblings? I never really thought about more than one, but what the heck.... Diane says two is better than one! :o) (Did I mention it's a funny feeling to have found a sister along this journey in the last couple of weeks?)

It's been sent, it's complete and I'll wait for an e-mail. I've prayed about it and set my mind at ease for a change. I keep telling myself if it's God's will, so why don't I listen to myself? Somehow I've discovered a sense of peace for the day. Let go, let God. Whew, that feels good!

Fast forward..... I'm done with dinner and sit back down to the computer to find myself looking up orphanages again, but trying to side track myself with facebook or e-mail. I keep looking at my Haiti photos. Obsessed I tell ya! Suddenly (and forgive me for sharing too much) I felt awful and had to make a mad dash to the bathroom. Now, most women can do in less than 5 minutes what it takes a man an hour to accomplish in the bathroom. And I'm not talking hair and makeup. ;o) I never stay in the bathroom, I'm not a reader or someone who does a lot of reflecting on the throne. But something in me screamed 'grab the Bible and go!' And in all this split second craziness I'm thinking heck if I'm hanging out why not grab this book, or the saduko book, where did I put that crazy thing? 'No! Grab the Bible!' What the heck?! I barely make it to the throne and think to myself I guess I'll search and see what I can find. There's a reason I grabbed it and usually I can just open it and the perfect page will appear. The perfect passage or story....

I have so many questions right now, and no matter what the problem or no matter how bewildered I may become the answer is always there. It's life's instruction manual after all. Nothing I've ever encountered has not been solved that the answer didn't come from Him. This particular Bible I grabbed has a reference section in the front and of course my mind instantly thinks I need to search for orphans or adoption. But I was led to 'Impossibilities'. How freaky is this becoming? So I open the study guide and it was an overview of Abram and Sarai. How she laughed because He promised her a son in her old age. How they believed it to be impossible, unbelievable and God changes their faith. It further challenged me to trust God's perfect timing, and remember that nothing is impossible for God. HOLY Wow right?

So as I'm turning to Genisis to read the story of Sarai again, I want to bookmark the study guide on impossibilities but have nothing with me (eyes rolling), but every Bible has that handy little ribbon marker. Found it... wait, before I move it from the page what has it been marking? HOLY Wow.....

Proverbs 16:1-3, 9
People may make plans in their minds, but only the Lord can make them come true. You may believe you are doing right, but the Lord will judge your reasons. Depend on the Lord in whatever you do, and your plans will succeed......People may make plans in their minds, but the Lord decides what they will do.

OKAY Lord! I'm listening. I'm done obsessing. I can't say I'll stop reading blogs and following the orphanages to see the children. But I won't let it consume me. I won't let it break my heart. I have Smeralda to sponsor and can always send extra money or items to any of the children, anywhere in Haiti, anytime. There are 100's of children to help in Haiti everyday and I need to remember those children can use my help now. Not two years from now, not when they are matched to me, not when my application is approved or my dossier accepted. I need to remember how I lost my heart in Haiti.....and focus on that for now.

Thank you Lord for stepping on my toes. ;o)

*POP*

That was my huge bubble bursting.... I decided today would be a day to really discover if this whole thing is worth it. Am I getting myself worked up and praying for a miracle that will likely never happen. The answer......Yes. I called God's Littlest Angels today to see if I can even be considered for a Haitian adoption. What could it hurt to call right? After all, if you're going to present an issue to a man (my husband) you better have a solution and all the answers to back it up. I spoke to Holly and Jean who were both very nice, understood my desire but explained how the Haitian government [for once in its long history] has decided to try to follow laws they made 25 years ago. How noble. I shouldn't sound so sarcastic. Maybe any little step in the right direction for their government would help solve more of their problems. However, it doesn't solve mine. My problem of wanting to adopt a child. The problem of so many 100's of kids that are sitting in orphanages waiting to be adopted. Because, yes, they do know why they are there and seem happy to be there. They know they have a chance. And, of course, my heart still bleeds for the ones not sitting in orphanages. The ones in the smaller villages that are hungry or sick and have given up hope.

I have to stop.... stop obsessing. I have to find another way to find relief for the ache. I guess that means I need to keep pushing on with the mission and finding sponsors so more kids grow up independent and capable of overcoming what Haiti is. So there isn't a need for adoption someday. So that they can take care of their children someday.

I was told that exceptions are rarely made, but when they are it's a presidential dispensation. Which basically means the president of the Haitian government has to read a piece of paper that I would send from Trenton, Missouri among the other 1000's of files and papers sitting in an office somewhere to say, "sure, so she's got three kids.... let her have one of ours." When I know there are those 1000's of people in those other files and papers who do actually qualify without having been blessed with any children of their own--I feel selfish again.

Jean also said there are ways around it, but this agency doesn't promote it and it's probably not legal. If you have money you can do anything.... I bet Brad and Angelina didn't have these issues, or have to wait for months on end, even years to adopt their children. I know there is a reason and a purpose for all the rules and laws, but sometimes I want to be that little kid that stomps my feet and yells, "It's not fair!"

I was told that since my daughter will be leaving the home due to graduation and becoming an adult I should wait until I only have two children in my home to start the process and then see if I can get a dispensation. I'll still have to have an exception.... which means in another 12 months I can look forward to starting a process that may or may not put a child in my home, that I will have to wait 2 years for then. By the time the whole process could be complete, my next child will graduate and I'll be down to one child in the home. And he would be 9.... wow. I can't imagine my littlest son being 9. And then bringing a sibling that would be 3-4 home. It wouldn't be like a bonding sibling by then, it would be a 'spoiled baby syndrome' sibling that gets everything. lol I have to laugh. That's what the older kids think of their brother now. He gets everything he wants mom! lol At that age, would the kids even be around enough for an adopted child to recognize them as siblings?

A lot of confusion.... maybe I'm just still being selfish and riding the 'Haiti High' I'm on. I don't know today. And maybe that's just hormones! lol And maybe I should quit reading blogs! Some aggrevate me because I see people going to visit their newly assigned child for the first time and making lists of things to remember to take for their next visit..... the beach towel they forgot that the hotel didn't provide. A watch because the power goes out in the hotel and you'll never know what time it is, and reading the complaints of the dirty tile floors. And some like this one are the reasons I still think I should press on and try to fulfill my goal. I've seen the 'real' Haiti. The poverty, the dirt and trash, the malnutrition and starvation, the disease and sickness. Not having power in our house was the least of our worries. We lived with a rat. And I laugh about it. I was happy about it. We were treated like royalty and lived without amenities that others take for granted. I lived and wandered in a village that most of my friends and family wouldn't be caught dead in. Literally. And it saddens me. Those people don't even have access to an orphanage to give their children to in hopes they'll have a better life.

I keep telling myself, where there's a will there's a way. But I need to remember if it's God's will, there will be a way. Laws change, government changes. Maybe 6 months from now it will all be a drastic new change in law that allows families to adopt that have 3 children. My magic number. Or maybe, just maybe their government will just start caring about their own people and look for answers to make Haiti the place I know God intended it to be.

Religion that God accepts as pure and without fault is this: Caring for orphans or widows who need help,and keeping yourself free from the world's evil influence.

--James 1:27

[somewhere over there]

It's been one week and three days since I returned from my first trip from Haiti. And some of those days have been spent wondering if I'm really going mad! I'm so desperate for the sound of the people, the smell of the charcoal and the ocean, the look of the smiles on their faces, the feel of the 100's of arms I felt hugging me while I was there.

I've become obsessed with reading and researching....adoption. I never knew what a tremendous impact this one trip would have on my life. I found someone else's blog that had a post entitled •Haiti Changes People• and I truly believe that. If you've made a trip to this country and it didn't change you, then you probably aren't someone I need to know anyway, but I'll pray for you. I used to be one of those people, skeptical when commercials came on asking for you to sponsor a child. For the price of a cup of coffee.... some of those children weren't from Haiti, they may have been African, Ethiopian, whatever nationality it didn't matter to me. I knew God places us right where we need to be. How we cope with that and count our blessings is up to us. And, yes, I believe you should help people in any way you can, but could I really make a difference in the life of a child? I always assumed they had cookie cutter photos of the same child they probably mailed to every sponsor making them believe it was someone special that they were helping. I wasn't going to be fooled into throwing my money away. I was responsible. (I don't send money to animal shelters either! ;o) lol but that's an inside joke for my sister Diane.)

Then I found Haiti. Or maybe Haiti found me. I'm not sure. It was merely an act of fate that I got to go. A church family agreed to pay for another adult to go on a scheduled mission trip that involved my daughter and two other teenagers from church. I was ask to go only after another parent was unable to escort her daughter. Of course I jumped at the chance. Who wouldn't? A new experience, I needed to get away from work, and I would be making sure my daughter was in safe hands. (Mostly I just hate missing all the exciting things in my children's lives and this would be my daughter's first trip in an airplane, her first trip outside of the United States and by golly I wanted to witness it!) So, I guess you could say my reasons were selfish. But God places you right where you need to be in His time.

Then, as one might expect, God showed me just how selfish I can be. I knew I was blessed beyond my needs and was grateful for the things in my life. But awakening my senses to just how many blessings I'm surrounded by was very overwhelming at times. Coming home has been a difficult transition. One I never expected. I no longer worry if my kid is going to be excluded from activities at school because of who we are, I don't complain about the heat I walk into when walking out of my air conditioned home any longer (Missouri weather can't compare to the heat of Haiti), I look at my sons room and remind myself I need to clean out his toy box(es) but don't find myself obsessing over which toys to keep because they have sentimental value anymore....he has toys, period. Too many toys. I no longer spend countless hours searching craigslist and ebay looking for the perfect vehicle to trade my minivan for because I feel it's gotten too old and I want a new nicer vehicle. It seems irrelevant for some reason.

Now.... I obsess over the people I've left behind. The people I want to see again. The children I walked with, and talked with and laughed with. The sad faces I remember seeing because they were hungry, or their bellies were so round because they had worms. I want to save the world. I know I cannot do it alone, but I can make a difference.

I sponsored a child, and at moments of each day I wonder why only one. I'm determined to find sponsors for those children that aren't 'cookie cutter photos' in the world. They are someone's children, they are somebody that is important to my God. I've become driven to help the mission by any means possible, starting facebook groups, and wanting to update websites and seek donations.

Yet, one more thing sticks in my mind. Day in and day out. The first thing on my mind when I wake and one of the last thoughts before I sleep.... is adoption. I've read so much, I've seen the faces. I know these children aren't just given away because they aren't the ideal sex or they aren't perfect because they may be flawed by a birth defect. These children are alone. Their family has died, or if they are alive they want more for their children. They want life. Isn't that what we all want for our kids? I have three.... three beautiful perfect children from God. They are healthy, educated and thriving everyday. What if you woke everyday wondering how you were going to feed your children, or if they were going to become ill....ill enough to end their life. We don't have those worries.

Remembering the smile and the hug and kiss that one child gave me just because I sponsored her so she could go to school.....makes me wonder how it would feel to love that child everyday and be able to provide for her needs. See her successes, comfort her failures. I want to adopt a child. One child seems like such a small piece of the pie. But what if everyone had a heart like mine? A heart lost in Haiti. One child at a time, I can make a difference.

My children want to adopt. They talk about it from time to time. My husband hasn't said no, but hasn't said yes. He's thought about it before but never seriously (or obsessively). I wish he knew my urgent need. After researching and knowing just how long this journey could become. The average wait for a Haitian child is about 2 yrs. Can I stand this madness for two years? Or even longer? When will I know if this is what's right for my family? I can only wait, and listen. If it's His will, a child is waiting for me. To be born in my heart, to be brought to my home. To be a part of our family....forever.

"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future."

--Jeremiah 29:11