• Just Another Day •

Just another day has gone by. One that I thank God for. He has provided such rich blessings. Green grass I played in today while working and taking photos of someone's little girl, green full lush trees that gave us shade, a nice breeze... lunch with a friend that was enough to make me full for two days with fresh veggies and cold cuts. Soda with ice (which I knocked over and spilled and didn't seem to upset me as much as it would have before). The chance to watch my son hop on the school bus and ride it to summer school, my daughter off on another school trip with friends with swimming, golfing and bowling to look forward to. Wow. Such little things we enjoy for 'extra' curricular activities that other children don't even know exist. My oldest son lounging at home, playing in the yard with the dog, chasing the chickens and watching movies and playing video games in the a/c. :o) It's been a beautiful day. I used to think sometimes we waisted days because we didn't accomplish anything in them. Now I know a day is never waisted if I can see the beauty I'm surrounded with and appreciate the blessings that are so abundant in my life.

Yet, there's always that thought in the back of my mind. As much as I've smiled today and been so grateful and shared stories with yet another person of how much Haiti needs us I still think to myself I wonder if there is a child somewhere that is waiting for me. He or she may not know it yet. I don't know it yet, but my heart still aches and thinks of all the children and people of Haiti who need me. Who need us. All of us. Knowing I serve a great and wonderful God that is the creator of all things, I know He created the people of Haiti and loves them as much as he loves you and I. They are near and dear to His heart. I just wish others could see them with the same eyes that He and I do. ;o)

"My brothers and sisters, if people say they have faith, but do nothing, their faith is worth nothing. Can faith like that save them? A brother or sister in Christ might need clothes or food. If you say to that person, 'God be with you! I hope you stay warm and get plenty to eat,' but you do not give what that person needs, your words are worth nothing. In the same way, faith that is alone--that does nothing--is dead.

--James 2:14-17

And, well.... Holy smack. I see all faces differently now. My paper boy just delivered my newspaper and I have a new paper boy. And he's a handsome young man! A handsome young, african american boy that I tried not to gawk too much as I look at his beautiful skin and giant brown eyes, and his tight curly hair as he makes me smile and makes my heart skip a beat. He's a welcome site. I miss my Haitian friends and family. How do you explain to the paper boy your sudden urge to give him a giant hug and ask about his day! lol I digress..... ;o) Sounds funny, to talk of the new paper boy but one must understand something, the number of african american families in my small mid-western town is slim to none. But they are a welcome site to me. I wish there were more. My sister Diane's children enjoyed playing with the 'other brown people' they saw this week on vacation. They need playmates, cousins of a sort.... Kristi would thrive with someone else 'like her' around besides her brother. Someone to be like and know she is beautiful and special. Someday.... in His time.

It reminds me of the sound of my teenage daughter at the age of 3 or 4 when she peeped her head over the back of a booth in taco bell and exclaimed "Look at the brown boy momma! He's pretty! I like brown boys!" I guess it's always been in her heart too. She now, at only the age of 16, feels my need to 'save the world'. I love my children. I'm a proud momma.

[HOLY wow!]

Yes, it was a HOLY wow moment.

After making that dreaded phone call to have someone tell me what I suspected to hear my day kinda' stood still for a few hours. Then I decided to call Bethany Christian Services and get word from another horse's mouth. lol The girls at Bethany were more than helpful also, and maybe a bit more encouraging. Suggesting I go ahead and complete an online pre-approval application and in the comments section explain my situation about the kids and their ages and just go from there. All they can do is tell me no right? And I'm no worse off than I am now. It's FREE....

I talked to my hubby on the phone for something else and somehow adoption came up in the conversation yet again. He never shoots me down in my reasoning, and always allows me to share my reasoning with him with an accepting tone in his voice (which is not what I expect for this topic). I think he would like to adopt at some point but just wants to make sure that we will financially be able to do so, and give another child all the perks and extras that we've given our biological children. Noble... yes. I love him. So this conversation has encouraged me to go ahead and fill out the online application.

It was easy enough, except for the part about what sex I wanted. I've wanted a girl.... I have a girl set in my heart and my mind. I've justified it in so many ways, but I can't bear to click one or the other. Maybe that's not for me to decide. Hmmmm.... maybe God does have a different plan. So I choose both, but with a preference for female. (But on a whim I question my 5 yr old, if we get to bring home a new kid for our family what do you want, a little brother or sister? "A brother!" And, I was worried he'd feel threatened by a same sex child. Who needs sisters? He wants a brother to play with and share toys with! Yes, the story gets freakier as it goes along!) Then, am I willing to accept siblings? Well, how could you separate siblings? I never really thought about more than one, but what the heck.... Diane says two is better than one! :o) (Did I mention it's a funny feeling to have found a sister along this journey in the last couple of weeks?)

It's been sent, it's complete and I'll wait for an e-mail. I've prayed about it and set my mind at ease for a change. I keep telling myself if it's God's will, so why don't I listen to myself? Somehow I've discovered a sense of peace for the day. Let go, let God. Whew, that feels good!

Fast forward..... I'm done with dinner and sit back down to the computer to find myself looking up orphanages again, but trying to side track myself with facebook or e-mail. I keep looking at my Haiti photos. Obsessed I tell ya! Suddenly (and forgive me for sharing too much) I felt awful and had to make a mad dash to the bathroom. Now, most women can do in less than 5 minutes what it takes a man an hour to accomplish in the bathroom. And I'm not talking hair and makeup. ;o) I never stay in the bathroom, I'm not a reader or someone who does a lot of reflecting on the throne. But something in me screamed 'grab the Bible and go!' And in all this split second craziness I'm thinking heck if I'm hanging out why not grab this book, or the saduko book, where did I put that crazy thing? 'No! Grab the Bible!' What the heck?! I barely make it to the throne and think to myself I guess I'll search and see what I can find. There's a reason I grabbed it and usually I can just open it and the perfect page will appear. The perfect passage or story....

I have so many questions right now, and no matter what the problem or no matter how bewildered I may become the answer is always there. It's life's instruction manual after all. Nothing I've ever encountered has not been solved that the answer didn't come from Him. This particular Bible I grabbed has a reference section in the front and of course my mind instantly thinks I need to search for orphans or adoption. But I was led to 'Impossibilities'. How freaky is this becoming? So I open the study guide and it was an overview of Abram and Sarai. How she laughed because He promised her a son in her old age. How they believed it to be impossible, unbelievable and God changes their faith. It further challenged me to trust God's perfect timing, and remember that nothing is impossible for God. HOLY Wow right?

So as I'm turning to Genisis to read the story of Sarai again, I want to bookmark the study guide on impossibilities but have nothing with me (eyes rolling), but every Bible has that handy little ribbon marker. Found it... wait, before I move it from the page what has it been marking? HOLY Wow.....

Proverbs 16:1-3, 9
People may make plans in their minds, but only the Lord can make them come true. You may believe you are doing right, but the Lord will judge your reasons. Depend on the Lord in whatever you do, and your plans will succeed......People may make plans in their minds, but the Lord decides what they will do.

OKAY Lord! I'm listening. I'm done obsessing. I can't say I'll stop reading blogs and following the orphanages to see the children. But I won't let it consume me. I won't let it break my heart. I have Smeralda to sponsor and can always send extra money or items to any of the children, anywhere in Haiti, anytime. There are 100's of children to help in Haiti everyday and I need to remember those children can use my help now. Not two years from now, not when they are matched to me, not when my application is approved or my dossier accepted. I need to remember how I lost my heart in Haiti.....and focus on that for now.

Thank you Lord for stepping on my toes. ;o)

*POP*

That was my huge bubble bursting.... I decided today would be a day to really discover if this whole thing is worth it. Am I getting myself worked up and praying for a miracle that will likely never happen. The answer......Yes. I called God's Littlest Angels today to see if I can even be considered for a Haitian adoption. What could it hurt to call right? After all, if you're going to present an issue to a man (my husband) you better have a solution and all the answers to back it up. I spoke to Holly and Jean who were both very nice, understood my desire but explained how the Haitian government [for once in its long history] has decided to try to follow laws they made 25 years ago. How noble. I shouldn't sound so sarcastic. Maybe any little step in the right direction for their government would help solve more of their problems. However, it doesn't solve mine. My problem of wanting to adopt a child. The problem of so many 100's of kids that are sitting in orphanages waiting to be adopted. Because, yes, they do know why they are there and seem happy to be there. They know they have a chance. And, of course, my heart still bleeds for the ones not sitting in orphanages. The ones in the smaller villages that are hungry or sick and have given up hope.

I have to stop.... stop obsessing. I have to find another way to find relief for the ache. I guess that means I need to keep pushing on with the mission and finding sponsors so more kids grow up independent and capable of overcoming what Haiti is. So there isn't a need for adoption someday. So that they can take care of their children someday.

I was told that exceptions are rarely made, but when they are it's a presidential dispensation. Which basically means the president of the Haitian government has to read a piece of paper that I would send from Trenton, Missouri among the other 1000's of files and papers sitting in an office somewhere to say, "sure, so she's got three kids.... let her have one of ours." When I know there are those 1000's of people in those other files and papers who do actually qualify without having been blessed with any children of their own--I feel selfish again.

Jean also said there are ways around it, but this agency doesn't promote it and it's probably not legal. If you have money you can do anything.... I bet Brad and Angelina didn't have these issues, or have to wait for months on end, even years to adopt their children. I know there is a reason and a purpose for all the rules and laws, but sometimes I want to be that little kid that stomps my feet and yells, "It's not fair!"

I was told that since my daughter will be leaving the home due to graduation and becoming an adult I should wait until I only have two children in my home to start the process and then see if I can get a dispensation. I'll still have to have an exception.... which means in another 12 months I can look forward to starting a process that may or may not put a child in my home, that I will have to wait 2 years for then. By the time the whole process could be complete, my next child will graduate and I'll be down to one child in the home. And he would be 9.... wow. I can't imagine my littlest son being 9. And then bringing a sibling that would be 3-4 home. It wouldn't be like a bonding sibling by then, it would be a 'spoiled baby syndrome' sibling that gets everything. lol I have to laugh. That's what the older kids think of their brother now. He gets everything he wants mom! lol At that age, would the kids even be around enough for an adopted child to recognize them as siblings?

A lot of confusion.... maybe I'm just still being selfish and riding the 'Haiti High' I'm on. I don't know today. And maybe that's just hormones! lol And maybe I should quit reading blogs! Some aggrevate me because I see people going to visit their newly assigned child for the first time and making lists of things to remember to take for their next visit..... the beach towel they forgot that the hotel didn't provide. A watch because the power goes out in the hotel and you'll never know what time it is, and reading the complaints of the dirty tile floors. And some like this one are the reasons I still think I should press on and try to fulfill my goal. I've seen the 'real' Haiti. The poverty, the dirt and trash, the malnutrition and starvation, the disease and sickness. Not having power in our house was the least of our worries. We lived with a rat. And I laugh about it. I was happy about it. We were treated like royalty and lived without amenities that others take for granted. I lived and wandered in a village that most of my friends and family wouldn't be caught dead in. Literally. And it saddens me. Those people don't even have access to an orphanage to give their children to in hopes they'll have a better life.

I keep telling myself, where there's a will there's a way. But I need to remember if it's God's will, there will be a way. Laws change, government changes. Maybe 6 months from now it will all be a drastic new change in law that allows families to adopt that have 3 children. My magic number. Or maybe, just maybe their government will just start caring about their own people and look for answers to make Haiti the place I know God intended it to be.

Religion that God accepts as pure and without fault is this: Caring for orphans or widows who need help,and keeping yourself free from the world's evil influence.

--James 1:27

[somewhere over there]

It's been one week and three days since I returned from my first trip from Haiti. And some of those days have been spent wondering if I'm really going mad! I'm so desperate for the sound of the people, the smell of the charcoal and the ocean, the look of the smiles on their faces, the feel of the 100's of arms I felt hugging me while I was there.

I've become obsessed with reading and researching....adoption. I never knew what a tremendous impact this one trip would have on my life. I found someone else's blog that had a post entitled •Haiti Changes People• and I truly believe that. If you've made a trip to this country and it didn't change you, then you probably aren't someone I need to know anyway, but I'll pray for you. I used to be one of those people, skeptical when commercials came on asking for you to sponsor a child. For the price of a cup of coffee.... some of those children weren't from Haiti, they may have been African, Ethiopian, whatever nationality it didn't matter to me. I knew God places us right where we need to be. How we cope with that and count our blessings is up to us. And, yes, I believe you should help people in any way you can, but could I really make a difference in the life of a child? I always assumed they had cookie cutter photos of the same child they probably mailed to every sponsor making them believe it was someone special that they were helping. I wasn't going to be fooled into throwing my money away. I was responsible. (I don't send money to animal shelters either! ;o) lol but that's an inside joke for my sister Diane.)

Then I found Haiti. Or maybe Haiti found me. I'm not sure. It was merely an act of fate that I got to go. A church family agreed to pay for another adult to go on a scheduled mission trip that involved my daughter and two other teenagers from church. I was ask to go only after another parent was unable to escort her daughter. Of course I jumped at the chance. Who wouldn't? A new experience, I needed to get away from work, and I would be making sure my daughter was in safe hands. (Mostly I just hate missing all the exciting things in my children's lives and this would be my daughter's first trip in an airplane, her first trip outside of the United States and by golly I wanted to witness it!) So, I guess you could say my reasons were selfish. But God places you right where you need to be in His time.

Then, as one might expect, God showed me just how selfish I can be. I knew I was blessed beyond my needs and was grateful for the things in my life. But awakening my senses to just how many blessings I'm surrounded by was very overwhelming at times. Coming home has been a difficult transition. One I never expected. I no longer worry if my kid is going to be excluded from activities at school because of who we are, I don't complain about the heat I walk into when walking out of my air conditioned home any longer (Missouri weather can't compare to the heat of Haiti), I look at my sons room and remind myself I need to clean out his toy box(es) but don't find myself obsessing over which toys to keep because they have sentimental value anymore....he has toys, period. Too many toys. I no longer spend countless hours searching craigslist and ebay looking for the perfect vehicle to trade my minivan for because I feel it's gotten too old and I want a new nicer vehicle. It seems irrelevant for some reason.

Now.... I obsess over the people I've left behind. The people I want to see again. The children I walked with, and talked with and laughed with. The sad faces I remember seeing because they were hungry, or their bellies were so round because they had worms. I want to save the world. I know I cannot do it alone, but I can make a difference.

I sponsored a child, and at moments of each day I wonder why only one. I'm determined to find sponsors for those children that aren't 'cookie cutter photos' in the world. They are someone's children, they are somebody that is important to my God. I've become driven to help the mission by any means possible, starting facebook groups, and wanting to update websites and seek donations.

Yet, one more thing sticks in my mind. Day in and day out. The first thing on my mind when I wake and one of the last thoughts before I sleep.... is adoption. I've read so much, I've seen the faces. I know these children aren't just given away because they aren't the ideal sex or they aren't perfect because they may be flawed by a birth defect. These children are alone. Their family has died, or if they are alive they want more for their children. They want life. Isn't that what we all want for our kids? I have three.... three beautiful perfect children from God. They are healthy, educated and thriving everyday. What if you woke everyday wondering how you were going to feed your children, or if they were going to become ill....ill enough to end their life. We don't have those worries.

Remembering the smile and the hug and kiss that one child gave me just because I sponsored her so she could go to school.....makes me wonder how it would feel to love that child everyday and be able to provide for her needs. See her successes, comfort her failures. I want to adopt a child. One child seems like such a small piece of the pie. But what if everyone had a heart like mine? A heart lost in Haiti. One child at a time, I can make a difference.

My children want to adopt. They talk about it from time to time. My husband hasn't said no, but hasn't said yes. He's thought about it before but never seriously (or obsessively). I wish he knew my urgent need. After researching and knowing just how long this journey could become. The average wait for a Haitian child is about 2 yrs. Can I stand this madness for two years? Or even longer? When will I know if this is what's right for my family? I can only wait, and listen. If it's His will, a child is waiting for me. To be born in my heart, to be brought to my home. To be a part of our family....forever.

"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future."

--Jeremiah 29:11