Touched

I've wondered so many times through the week just how God might be calling me, what he's calling me to. As much as I try to redirect my attention, focus on other things in my life, adoption and children in the world around me keep stealing my thoughts. Reading, studying, watching, wanting...

As much as I try to divert myself to see if this is just a passing fancy or some 'dream' from my self-diagnosed post traumatic stress disorder...I just can't seem to shake it. Church last week seemed to reaffirm what I felt I already knew. I was so touched by a sermon, so moved by a hymn, I lost control. I couldn't stop the tears that flowed. As much as I tried (for fear of embarassment partly....I'm a 'strong' person, I don't show emotion if I can help it), I just couldn't make them stop. I cried like a baby. I felt God touching my heart, tugging at it in a way. Our sermon was on dreams. Not necessarily our dreams, but the dreams God has for us and what He is calling us to and how we need to listen and follow. Listen closely, follow without doubt. People will ridicule, smirk, try to cause you to doubt, or even doubt you themselves. Yet, we are called to follow. If He brings you to it, He will see you through it. Dream bigger than ourselves, let go and let God. Where He leads me I will follow... (you know the song). Even if the path seems like one we wouldn't take, or it is filled with hardship and pain or more work and disappointment than we think we can bear it's a road that He has chosen to bring us to the other side. The story was of Joseph's dream in Genesis 37:1-11. God was leading him to great things. Even though the road was long and he suffered, in the end he was made ruler of Egypt.

All these things seems to symbolize the thoughts I've had over the last month or two, especially the last few weeks. Having a dream, having others scoff, or some tell me I've 'lost it'. lol (which doesn't bother me in the least) ;o) Some telling me how wonderful and joyous to feel that calling, or just how rewarding it has been for their family. The thoughts of how long the journey will be, the waiting, the disappointment, lost hope, prayer, and a happy ending of a bigger family.

I don't know the steps that lie ahead, or the obstacles I may encounter, or even when I can expect answers to prayers. All I know is a feeling that has touched my heart in a way that can't be explained, and each day I wait, I work, I go where He leads me. Maybe it's more than my dream, maybe it's His dream for me. (The part I find really 'odd', funny in a sense.... being drawn to a country and a people I never expected. A place I've never been, nor seen, nor even dreamed about... but it keeps drawing my attention.)

I'm anxious to see what tomorrow brings.

"Behold, children are a gift of the Lord...

How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them"

Psalm 127:3, 5

♥ Praying ♥

Still praying....

The Bible tells us to pray without ceasing. So, among my many other prayer requests for friends, family, total strangers in need--I pray for adoption. I can't pray and beg for God to make my husband want to adopt children, that would never work. I know my husband's heart, his capacity to love like I've never seen (even if he doesn't want others to see it and take notice). He does the 'little things' when no one is watching. ;o) You know what I mean.

I pray that if God has a child (or children) for us to adopt, if it's His will, part of his grand plan that He will touch my husband's heart as He has touched mine and He will teach me the art of waiting patiently for it to happen. (Did anyone ever tell you never to pray for patience....)

And last night, I saw a glimpse of that touch. A glimmer of hope. My husband willingly watches a youtube video with me. Lucy's Gotcha Day video. A blogger friend posts her beautiful video of the day she picked up her beautiful daughter from Ethiopia.

Almost two hours later he asks me if I've heard Steven Curtis Chapman. I instantly start searching the web and find out he's all about adoption (they have adopted three daughters from China), caring for orphans and being called to love like Christ all these little children of the world. Holy Cow! He's been thinking! My husband listens to Steven Chapman on his way to and from work everyday (he has a two hour round trip commute!). My husband explains to me the story of the Chapman's losing their daughter to an accident and how heartbreaking it would be. The wait and anticipation of bringing home that child and then only a short time later losing her. How profound for someone who I thought wasn't even considering what was tearing at my heartstrings with every breath I take.

As I'm still watching videos and listening to his music (and becoming a FAN!)
So I find "What Now?" "Ummm....honey, will you watch this one? Just one more video and I promise I'll leave you alone." He doesn't know it, but I think I saw a tear. I simply said, "I hope you can understand just a little, my need and want to help millions of children." His response, "How can you help them all? It's impossible." I explained...."It's not about helping all of them. If there were enough people in the world who felt the same calling, how many of those children would become one less?

He hasn't said yes yet....but I think we're a lot closer to "yes, let's do it" than the no side of the spectrum. ;o)

Still praying....

• Easy? •

Does it ever get any easier? This thing they call waiting? Everyday that passes I think of Smerelda and her family, the other children we visited. Wondering what they are doing with their days. How they are playing and preparing for school. School in Haiti doesn't get a summer break like our schools. They don't spend months without studying and go on vacations. They anxiously await the next time they can attend school to learn. Until I can understand this whole adoption thing that has been placed in my heart, I strive to do as much as I can for the other kids I've met and seen. For Smerelda, my sponsored child and her family. I've begun making a stash of items for her and her brother and mother. Clothes, hair bobbles, soap and other personal hygiene items, books, I even found an African American barbie at the store in town. It was the only one. Karma? I think so.

I keep reading and researching adoption. Getting packets in the mail now, application information, check lists of things to do and consider. I'm reading books like crazy till my eye has developed a nervous twitch! ;o) Time for new reading glasses I think. E-mail updates on waiting children (which includes a set of twins that is just killing me!) lol I hope someone becomes their forever family soon. They are so beautiful and adorable. I'd like to think we would be that family, but it doesn't seem like much of a possibility anytime soon. Does this thing get any easier? Waiting.... Hoping.... Praying.... I've even started reading blogs on families that have felt the same urge to help and call for the children of Ethiopia. Three sisters each adopted a child from there. Their stories are amazing, heartwarming and inspiring. The conditions there are much the same as Haiti but I don't know that Africa is something I would want to do. Traveling that far, hmmm... I know Haiti is close enough to visit on a regular basis. Africa, now that's a whole 'nother story. I want to be able to keep the children involved in their culture and their history. Could that be done with Africa?

Sounds like I'm putting the cart ahead of the horse huh? So, I keep waiting... waiting for:

• God's plan to become clear to me.
• God's will for our lives, if this is something that He wants for us I'm waiting for Him to touch my husband's heart as deeply as He has mine.
• God's timing.
• Answers to Prayers
• the time I can return to Haiti to see those faces and loved ones I miss.

You see, at times I have felt so selfish for things that I pray for. When I know there are so many that need so much. I've encountered many people just in the last week, weather in person or on the internet that need healing for cancer, strength and hope after the loss of a child, healing and comfort for families of children that are undergoing brain surgeries and trying to overcome something that could possibly be fatal for a child, the suicide of a spouse. How could I dare ask for anything when there are so many others that need God's attention before me? During my bible study today that question was answered for me.

I know I am a child of God, I am important to Him. No matter what our cares, our burdens, our troubles or desires, He wants us to bring them to Him. The 142 Psalm reassures me that I can bring my prayers to the Lord no matter who I may think needs Him more than me today. He reminds me just as a parent reassures their child, no one is more important to me than you. He loves all his children the same, just as I do mine. They each have their own cares and concerns and can bring them to me. I bring this thing called adoption to my Lord. He knows my desires, He also knows if this is right for me and I have to wait for His answer.

I cry aloud to the Lord, I lift up my voice to the Lord for mercy. I pour out my complaint before him; before him I tell my trouble.

--Psalm 142:1-2

♥ Peace ♥

Today I discovered a peace. It really was a welcome emotion. I've been on such a roller coaster since we returned home. Happy, sad, eager, anxious, feeling the need to accomplish so much that I just find myself at a stand still. As I'm wandering around the house tonight fixing dinner and planning swimming lessons for my youngest son I realize I have peace. Peace in my mind, in my heart. For once in two weeks, it has come. And at first I wonder where it came from, then I remind myself where all things come from. My Lord has provided the peace I needed, I craved, I deserved, I prayed for.

This is Chris & Leslie's daughter that we met while in Haiti. Isn't she beautiful? This picture just made me think of someone looking to the heaven's to praise God and thanking Him. This is how I feel today.

Praying is a funny thing for me. I have to remind myself to stop what I'm doing and pray. I have long drawn out conversations with God throughout my entire day. So much so that it's like one long, constant prayer. You know those people you see walking around with headsets on, talking on their phone via bluetooth (yes I have one, it lives on my left ear most days)..... I have God in my heart, not with a bluetooth I guess you might call it a bloodred. (Now I know I'm tired.... lol) ;o) I talk to God when I get up, praising him for yet another day he's provided that I'm alive and well, that my children are with me, that my husband is by my side, and that the sun is shining. I say grace and bless my food before I eat it. Yes, every meal, weather it be holding the hands of my family, or just bowing my head over my big mac. All things come from Him. When I lay down at night I go through the same ritual as when I wake. Yet, during the rest of my day I talk to God throughout everything. So sometimes He takes me by surprise and it's an awesome feeling.

I've been missing Haiti so. The people, the country, the children and families left behind. And I still miss them just as much tonight as I did this morning, but God has given me peace. I am right where I'm supposed to be, and my way of helping comes in different forms. My yearning to adopt, is still just as great but the peace came today when I realized that when I prayed for everything to be done in His time, as it's His will.....it came to me today. I came to terms with the fact (which I already knew) that I cannot bring a child home next week, or the week after that, or the month after that. It's not a simple process. I can continue to fill out applications to see if there are agencies willing to take on our circumstance of three children in the home. The likelihood of that happening is slim to none. The next one will be like the last encouraging me to wait until I only have two children in the home. So, that gives me a year to plan. Yep, that's my goal. I can set a timeline and save myself some money in the long run by doing my research, studying exactly what is required and needed of me, of my family and take it one day at a time. After all, writing a letter to the president of Haiti to include in our dossier to encourage him to give us an exception....well, not exactly something you should come up with overnight. It's not a form letter.

And, after my surfing yesterday, I was sidetracked. Sidetracked by Jamaica. Of all things. I rationalize in my mind that Jamaica is still a Carribean island. That if I'm not going to be allowed to adopt from Haiti, what would be the next best thing? Haitians are African descendants, I don't want to travel to Africa or Ethiopia. Nope, Jamaica is right next door. And amazingly enough, you don't have to completely finalize your adoption to bring your child home. Your given guardianship and complete your adoption in the states. And you can do it all within a 6 month time frame (max!). Can you believe it? Something that takes 2-3 years in Haiti can be done in 6 months or less in Jamaica. Wow....

Then it hits me. After reading the history of Jamaica and the reasons for adoption. I don't want just any child. I want a child from Haiti. The country that stole my heart. Jamaica is a tourist haven. They aren't financially broken and torn down, starving, sufferring. The one agency I found that actually sponsored Jamaican adoption specifically listed that children available for adoption are from broken homes. Taken into the system due to abuse or neglect. Hmmm.... just like home. Don't get me wrong. There are millions of children everywhere that need forever families. Our country included. But I know our families that care for these children have warm beds, food in their tummies, a regular schedule that includes school and a brighter future for the kids. The children in Haiti are looking for forever families because they have lost theirs. They have seen their parents die, or are unable to feed them. School isn't mandatory, it's a luxury. I just saw two boys who were recently placed at an orphanage because their father had a car accident (probably driving a tap tap, working to feed his family), and broke his legs. He was unable to work, which means, he's unable to feed his children and gave them up for adoption.

Can you imagine getting hurt and your only option is to place your child with someone else, forever. To love your child so much that you are willing to bear the pain of living without them just to ensure they are fed and cared for and given a brighter future than the one you can provide them.

That's the child I want to adopt. The one I want to love and make a part of my family, and still be able to teach him (or her) about who they are, and where they came from. And how their mother and father loved them so much they were willing to let me care for them and be their family. To be able to show them where they came from someday, to give them a chance to go to school. To love them unconditionally and forever.

I don't want a quick fix. I don't want instant gratification anymore. I want the next year to plan and prepare for the journey ahead. A journey that may take me twice as long as others ahead of me, but that's God's timing. Who knows, maybe since I've figured out His timing He'll cut me some slack and convert the Haitian government! ;o) Hey, a girl can dream can't she?

So, tonight when I lay my head down to sleep, one of my thanks will be given for finding peace and understanding with His timing. I'm still in love with Haiti. I still miss the people and the children. But tonight I have ♥ peace ♥ Thank you Lord.

• No •

One down.... how many more to go? I received the preliminary application back from Bethany Christian today and it was a no at this time because I have three children in my home. It's advised when my oldest leaves the home to make another request application.

This didn't surprise me, and surprisingly didn't upset me. There are dozens more agencies to contact. Hundreds actually. How many times did Lincoln run for office? ;o) It ain't over yet baby! It just gives me more time to see which way my hubby is leaning toward. So many will think I've lost my marbles. Others will find it exciting.

It's been a pretty awesome day anyway, so it would have taken a lot to bring me down. Other than still having major computer issues (I'll be glad when work actually WORKS again) I found some great books I was looking for when I picked my son up from the library and then got to enjoy dinner at Diane's house with all the kids. It's weird to seem so happy just to spend extra time with her kids (and mine). It's not like I don't see them on a regular basis, it's just that I see them with different eyes. I've always loved them, now I appreciate them. I long to see them and play. (and cuddle!) ;o)

So, I'll keep looking for other applications and other agencies that are willing to start a preliminary application with three children. There's always an exception to the rules ;o) And sometimes, I'm usually the exception! lol Tomorrow is a new day, a new day of wonders, a new day of blessings, a new day to pray about this thing they call adoption.

One day at a time, finding the joys and the blessings of now....

Cell phone photos. ;o) Yeah!